Joe:  What's up, guys? Joe McCall, Real Estate Investing Mastery Podcast. Guess what I have right here? Woohoo! Come on. It's a book by my good friend, Stacey Martino and her husband, Paul, called The Missing Piece. And this is a relationship book. And what on earth does this have to do with real estate? Oh my gosh. Check this out, a proven method to single-handedly transform your relationship. And I would say your business, I would you're a wholesaling business and create harmony in your home. Now Stacey is a friend of mine. We go back years and years as part of a mastermind that we were in and you're still in Boise. Stacey, is that right?

Stacey:   Yep. Yeah, we're here. We love it here.

Joe:   We've hung out in many, many different masterminds together. And it's been so cool to watch her and her business just really grow and expand and their main thing that they do is they help people with their relationships and their businesses. But Stacey has been in the real estate business for a long time and she knows how to do creative real estate deals and wholesaling and rehabbing. That's probably one of the reasons why she got into the relationship business because she realized what a nightmare real estate is and she probably saw so many wrecked marriages in it. Anyway, I'm just going to be fun. But she's just written this incredible book and this book is thick. I'm excited about going through it here, but I can tell you this. This was not written by AI. This was written, I'm sure Stacey, by a lot of bumps and bruises and real life experience. A lot of blood, sweat, and tears, you and probably Paul, things you've gone through, but also the countless number of people that you guys have helped. So welcome to the podcast, welcome to my real estate investing podcast, Stacey.

Stacey:   I'm excited to be here, Joe.

Joe:   You know, to put some context to this, I did an interview with a guy, I don't remember, probably five, six, seven years ago. He said something that stuck with me for years. And it's like, we don't measure success by how much money we made or how many deals we've done. We measure success by how many hugs that we get. And I thought, what does that mean? I asked him to explain, I wish I could remember where that podcast was, but what he was talking about was, you know, we're not in the real estate business. You know? We're kind of in the relationship business. And it's about relationships. It's about relationship with sellers, with buyers, with investors, with banks, with contractors and all of that. So he measured success by when he is on an appointment, meeting with a seller. Does he get a hug or not at the end? And does that seller know like, you know what, this guy cares about me. And it may not turn into a deal, but if he got a hug out of it, that's a win. And I thought that's such a great philosophy. And when Stacey said, hey, I finally came out with this book and I got it. And I said, I want to get you on the podcast because let's talk about how this relates to real estate. How does it relate to? And one of the things that Stacey always talked about in our masterminds, I should say this too, was we all speak different languages, right? Like we say different things and we mean different things, and we hear different things. And like, how do you learn how to speak in somebody else's love language, I guess. You know, something like that. I'm not the expert, but I'm glad you're here, Stacey.

Stacey:   And I'm so happy to be here. I mean, I love this. I could talk about this all day because, you know, when you think about what we do in a relationship, most people immediately go to marriage. And yeah, like, I don't think anybody has ever been as successful with helping people save and transform their marriages as we have. That's why we invented this method. That why we work so hard on this book after 14 years of helping thousands of people around the world. And marriage is the toughest relationship because it's long term and it's your primary, right? It's your 24-7, no end in sight, seven days a week relationship. But in business, you have long term relationships as well. I always say if it's short term, if somebody you're never gonna see or hear from again, yeah, maybe you can get away with not having relationship skill. But anything that's long term. That is where we come in. Because the truth is in long term relationships, every time there's a kerfuffle or an upset or a disappointment, Paul and I use this metaphor of saying it's like another brick goes in the wall between us. And sure, when you've just met someone you're never going to see them again, you can get away with that. But boy, in a long term relationship, like those bricks start going in the walk. And if you don't have the skill set to take them down and get the skill set to stop having them inadvertently go in the wall, you're going to be dealing in the results of that. Even though you show up with the best of intentions, the big piece that people are missing and what we put in our book is exactly what you started to say, Joe. It's that everyone else is wired differently than you are. And if don't know how to wrap your communication and interactions with them for how they're wired, for how they hear it. If I was speaking to someone whose primary language was French, doesn't make one of us better and one of us worse. It's just if I want them to actually understand what I'm saying, the way that I meant it, I have to wrap it in the language that they understand. And a lot of what we teach is understanding how different people are wired, how to wrap what you're saying in a way that they can perceive it the way that you meant it, most of the kerfuffles that people have, especially between masculine and feminine. We are polar opposites. There's nothing wrong with that. No one has to change who they are. No one's wrong for how wonderfully awesome they're wired. But if we don't learn these, how to build a bridge between these two, then what happens is without any negative intention at all. When you say something that would not totally not trigger someone who's just like you, it will unknowingly trigger and honestly break rapport with the person who's not wired like you. And in a business like real estate, you are in the people business. That's what this guy was trying to say. He knows what business he's in. Look, we'll always have assets and things that we can do and sure do you need a craft skill set? Of course you need to craft skill you need to learn that. And if you don't have the people skill set, you can only ever go so far. And in real estate, not only is your human to human skill set going to dictate your results, your bank balances, your expenses, are things expensive or are they not expensive, whether something can get done or not, all of those things. But it's also about your fulfillment, which is also I'm sure what this guy was talking about. When you do enough transactions, you know, some transactions can be soul-sucking and others make you feel like you would have done that for free all day every day because you did a great thing. You took your resourcefulness and you applied it to a situation that really changed that person's life. The main thing is even the difference between where they're going on their next step thanks to you getting involved in that transaction. And when you can do that, you have like the Kwan, right? Like from Jerry McGuire, you have the assets, you have the financial growth, you have the lower kerfuffles, you have harmony, but you also have fulfillment. And you know what, in relationship and in real estate, which is a relationship business, unless you think you're always going to find another broker, another conflict, you can't just keep swapping people out because you're burning through them. We need to have rapport building skills. We need have relationship skills, But more importantly, we definitely need to get all the missing pieces of the puzzle, so we stop unknowingly breaking rapport when we think we're showing up with the best of intentions to do the best that we can, but without us realizing it, we're breaking rapport. And boy, does that have a boomerang.

Joe:   Oh, and it's important. It's important again with when you're dealing with sellers or in dealing with buyers, first of all, though, I want to mention this book again. And if anybody wants to get it, where do they go in case somebody can't listen to the rest of this podcast or whatnot, where did they go? Missing piece book.com. They can buy it on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, anything like that. But if they go to your website, you get a bunch of bonuses, right?

Stacey:   Yeah, we wanted to give you a great reader experience, so we put a whole bunch of bonuses to make it even easier, giving you the tool cards for stuff that's in the book so that you have it handy and all the things so that can use it.

Joe:   I wanna talk about marriage and relationships with our spouse, because that's really important. But I wanna tie this into real estate investing because this is a real estate investing mastery podcast, right? And the, but I wanna ask you like your background, you have a lot of real estate in your background. Talk about that for a minute, would you?

Stacey:   Yeah. So actually, before I figured this, accidentally figured out this relationship method, which was totally not what I expected to do with my life, I was an accountant and I started in real estate when I was 14 years old. My whole family is in real estate. So I was like selling real estate and then handing it off the deal to a family member who would continue with the clothes. But I like started, I don't know if you remember Carlton Sheets when we were kids, like on the infomercials and stuff. And that's how I bought my first house in the 90s. Yeah, I was a young single 20-year-old girl, and I bought first house as a rehab. It was sinking, it was a bank-owned property sinking into the ground, but it was on half an acre in a town that I could not afford to buy in. So I did rehab. I gave them a 50 cent on the dollar offer, and it literally gave me, when I sold that, it gave us the deposit to buy the house where Paul and I married and raised our children. And we would never have been able to end up there as young as we were if I hadn't flipped and, you know, rehabbed and lived in and flipped that first house when I was a youngster.

Joe:   Well, I have some Carlton Sheets books right over there on my bookshelf and some Robert Allen and some of those. And it's funny, because I was looking at those books recently and 99% of the stuff they talk about in that book still applies today in terms of strategies and how to make offers and how to negotiate with sellers and all that. All right, and you've also done other types of deals since then, but that first deal was profitable, it sounds like.

Stacey:   Yeah, that really set me up because you know how it is. When that first deal gives you the cash flow, then you're off and running. That's what you use for the next and the next. More than anything, it also taught me how to think about properties and assets and how to bring value into that asset. It also taught and I started learning about negotiation and about really creating a win-win. And that's actually what it took for me to get that bank-owned property. And I think that's also reflected in the quote that you shared just before, where if you got a hug, you know, that receipt of getting a hug truly is a receipt of showing, like, if we were to put that into words as like, hey, this was a win for you, but this was also a win from me. That is the win-win where nobody feels like they lost. And it's such a shame that in so many areas of business, people teach the win-lose, dominate other people, get over on other people. I think people who are in real estate and are in the business of humans learn pretty quickly, boy, if you don't know how to create a win-win-win for the seller, the buyer, and everyone involved in the transaction, that's going to haunt you. The boomerang on that is going to be nasty if somebody feels like they lost. It can haunt, it can destroy future deals, it can destroy. And we've all been through those boomerangs that are just have a nasty backlash. And actually, there's several chapters in our book, because of course, in marriage and in family, learning how to create the win-win is a skill set that most people don't have. But there's some really great strategy in here that I would say could be used in any deal.

Joe:   Well, let's talk about some of them. What are some of your favorite strategies?

Stacey:   Well, first of all, one of my favorites, which is really contrarian to what most people say is looking at compromise differently. Because most people, especially if you think about marriage relationships, family relationships, you have to compromise. You have to be willing to compromise, I can't tell you how many times I have heard that in real estate as well as like, hey, make sure there's a good compromise. One time a lawyer said, if both of you seem unhappy, then we're probably on the right track. I'm like, wow. Wow, I am not in the legal business, but in the real estate business, in the relationship business, if anybody feels like they are losing, then it's a lose-lose. Like what Paul and I teach is that there really is no win-loss in a long-term relationship. Win-loses only exist in a short-term relationships, I'm never going to see you again. But in a longer term relationship, if anyone feels like the lost, then you both lost. Because the relationship, it starts to take a hit. They increase their distance from you. They don't want to work with you again. Maybe they say something to someone else. The next time you really need something to go quicker or to work out, they're not there for you. In a long-term relationship, anytime somebody feels like, hey, I lost that one and somebody else won, the distance increases. It's a rapport breaker, another brick goes in the wall, and the win-lose is really the lose loop. And so what we teach is the win win. The first step in being able to ever design a win-win is first to stop using compromise, or even fairness, looking for fairness, which I get that compromises like a step up from one person always getting their way and everybody else losing. I get where it comes from, but what was one's progress is now becoming primitive, because in long-term relationships, it just doesn't work. It's like shooting holes in their side of the boat that you're both standing in and saying, hey, your side of our boat is sinking. Like, well, it's a lose-lose. But one of the things that I share in the book, and I will share right here because I just believe in it so passionately, is that most of the time when you find yourself in a stalemate, which everybody has, everybody's been in that situation where they're like, look, my way and their way are mutually exclusive. We both can't get our way. And This is usually when people default to compromise, which deteriorates the relationship. It's never worth it. What I would invite you to look at is that most people do the win-win backwards, or they try to, which is why it fails. They try to get to a win- win backwards by looking at my way and their way and trying to see who can get their way. And that is not the steps, that's not the order of alignment to use for getting a win win. And usually, what happens is people are focused on the how, right? How I load the dishwasher versus how you load the dish washer. How I think our kids should go to school versus how you think our kid should go school. How think we should spend the holiday versus how you should spend a holiday. And when those hows are mutually exclusive, that's when we end up in a stalemate. That's where we try not to talk about it or we go to compromise or something else. So I would say my second strategy is, first of all, don't give up. Because almost every Dale mate that any student has ever brought up, we have been able to help guide them to creating a win-win solution. There's always a win win. And the first step is to let go. You don't start with the how. How is last. The first step was to actually start with a why. So ask somebody, I get how you want it to be. Why is that important to you? Why do you need that? Not in a way that I'm challenging you.

Joe:   But by the way, I hope you're this is so good and I hope you're paying attention and she's talking about relationships this and I want you to keep on talking about relationships because that's what this books about but listen to what she's saying and how you're talking to sellers like why do they want to sell the property? What are they trying to what are their goals? Why is like so I hope you guys are picking this up.

Stacey:   So I love this. I'm so glad you said that, Joe. So you want to get to their why. Of course, be careful with your energy. When we talk about relationship skillsets and rapport building, man, our people are so hypersensitive. If you're looking to get somebody's why, just so you can shoot a bunch of holes in it, tell them why they're wrong. They're going to button right up. Nobody wants that. We're not stupid anymore. Your sellers are savvy. They're also on the defense. They're trying to protect themselves. Like, when you're dealing with somebody who's in protection mode, you have to have a tremendous level of relationship skillset and rapport building. But if you can actually access your curiosity, so the energy you want to bring is curiosity, because you're looking for goal that you don't have yet. I can promise you, I've done this thousands, literally thousands of times, you're looking for gold that you don't haven't. I promise you. It's not like, oh, it's obvious and they just don't see it. No, you don't see it yet. And this is why you're asking the question, because you're going to find something amazing. When you ask them, like, why, why are you doing this? Why do you want to sell? Why do feel like you need to sell, why now, right? So you start with why, that's number one. Number two is what, right, what do you need? What is the outcome you need from this? If we were to make a wish list of everything you could get out of this, what do really need? Now, if you have somebody's why on a post-it note, and you have somebody's what on a Post-it Note in front of you, like there are a million hows, that's where your craft comes in. You are the source of hows. Right? You know all the hows and you may find usually people come into things with a white knuckle grip on their how. This is both in marriage, in parenting, in real estate, in family of origin, doesn't matter where you go. People white-knuckle grip their how because we are so convinced that our how is the only way to get to happiness, or safety, or comfort, or whatever that person's looking for. But when you say, okay, let's just say we do this in a way that you're going to love it. Now, why? Let's talk about why so that I can make sure I fulfill in everything for you. Go through the why, go through the what. With a why and a what, you can come up with so many creative hows that meet the why and the what. And if you start off by challenging someone's how, they're going to immediately go into resistance. Now, you're on one side of the fence, they are on the other. But if you embrace their why without resistance, and if you embraced their what without resistance the fence comes down. Now you and the other person are standing on the same side of defense. We're building alignment, we're building rapport, we are building trust. And now we say, okay, so I have like three different hows that can meet this why and this what. Let's use this why in this what as a checklist. These are all the different ways. Which of these feel the best to you?

Joe:   I love that. And you know what? One of those hows may not be for you to buy it. And it's like, one of the things I do when I'm talking to sellers, I'll give them, I'll gave you an offer, but if my offer doesn't work, I'm going to give you the names and numbers of five different realtors that you can sell your properties to. You know, they can help you. What I'm trying to say is like, it's amazing to me, the sellers are shocked that you're actually trying to help them and not trying to be like a vulture coming in to take advantage of somebody in a bad situation. But when you actually come to this quote unquote negotiation, I don't like calling it that and you're trying to help them You'll be amazed how quickly their walls come down and they're more open to what you actually have to offer and they are more open To consider your offer when you give them alternatives that you don't get any benefit from right? You know what I'm saying because then they're like Oh, well, this guy is actually pretty nice and many times not many times But there will be times when they come back to you and say you know What we tried to sell it we couldn't we you know We'd rather just get rid of it. And because you were so nice and helpful, we'll let you buy the property. Even though they may have offers higher than yours, but because they like you and trust you, then they'll sell the deal to you. Does that make sense?

Stacey:   Yeah, absolutely, because you built trust in the process. And that's the difference between- Yeah, and they haven't even heard. Oh, of course. Yes, so much so. So much so because when you have these relationship skills, they're dropping their resistance to you. What most people do is they speak from their own blueprint, how they're wired, the way they would say it, what they would want to hear, and other people's resistance to them goes up. And especially when you're in a deal, a real estate deal where I'm sure there are plenty of people swimming around them who don't have their best intention at heart. So now we have to figure out a way to show that we have their best intentions at heart, which is why instead of negotiation, you can think of it as like, this is like a puzzle and I'm here to try to figure out if there's a win-win in this equation, like with all these puzzle pieces we have, is there a win win in here? If there is great, if not, I'm going to show you what I know so that you can make a win-win somewhere else. When people really believe you, which is why your energy, your intention, your own mindset, how you think about it, these are critical. They are so critical. Your skill set, you have to have the skill set like what Joe's teaching you of how to be creative. Because if you only have one how, how can you possibly enter into an exploratory creative exercise. That's the same as the person who's white-knuckle gripping, how they need that dishwasher loaded. Like you can't be creative.

Joe:   Because when you're talking to a seller who owns a property, you could give them three different hows. I love this analogy because I used to frame it like three questions that you should ask every seller and it relates to this. But the first one is, what's your situation? Not, tell me about the house, I want to know what's you're situation. The second question is, what would you like to see happen? Then the third question is when would you like to that happen? That kind of relates to the first, the why and the what, right? And then when I know those three things, then I can present the hows. And one of the things I like to do is give the seller some options. Number one, here's a cash offer and I can close in 30 days, but it's going to be a real low price. Second option is maybe a higher price. If you'd consider some kind of owner financing, if I could buy it on creative financing. And then the third option would be, I'm just going to give you five realtors that you could call that can maybe listed for you. And do you see how when you, when you come to the seller with that approach, it's so much better because you're not, it's not this combative, like a hardcore negotiation thing. And it doesn't matter to me which one you pick, Mr. Seller, you know, I just want to help you get rid of this problem. And if now it doesn’t' work, maybe another time will, or maybe somebody else can help you. So good. Do you have any other good rapport building skills, you know, good ways to build bridges?

Stacey:   Well, I'll tell you what, I think anyone has experienced when somebody breaks rapport. And there's not enough rapport building skills I can give you to overcome rapport breaking pattern. So if you don't know what the rapport breaking patterns are that you're doing, you have to start there. And literally, I can't even tell you how many we put into here, you'll see them. Because there is, I mean, basically the discovery that I accidentally stumbled upon over 20 years ago, is that there's this old way of relating to other humans that people have done for thousands of years that are just patterned, that people are still doing today but it doesn't work today. And so, like, when you try to do things, like that are based on the win-lose or when you tried to, like lean on somebody or when you try use leverage with someone, those things are immediately record breaking. But there's so much more than that, right? Because people are wired differently. One of the things that I love to talk about is that all humans have a different processing speed, how they process. And you're actually born, there's four processing speeds, and people are born with them. And I go into it in the book. Actually, it's really very useful with kids because so many times you have an easier time with some of your kids, and you have that one kid who's your gift. And very often it's because their processing speed is very different than the parent processing speed. But if you don't know how to read somebody's processing speed within the first few minutes of meeting them, you could be going too slow and methodically because that's how you're wired. And they're like, this person is just not smart. They are not going fast enough for me. They are getting to the important part fast enough. Whereas if you are someone who really processes very fast, but you don't pick up on the fact that they are a slow and methodical or they are like more of a slow and cozy Zen peaceful, you could be breaking report just at the speed that you're like, come on, right? So there's so many of these and we go through dozens of them of all these wiring differences in humans that we know. And the beauty is they are predictable pattern with predictable result. That's why our method and the way that we teach is all patterns. That's what are you putting into the loop, a trigger. What comes out of the loop is a boomerang, because all relationship is a closed loop. You put something into the loo, you're going to get something back. You talk to someone and they're rolling their eyes at you, you're gonna react a certain way. You talk someone and their smiling at you. You're going react a different way, but that's not going to change between today and tomorrow. It's a predictable pattern with a predictable result. When the pattern is invisible to you, you're getting what I know is a boomerang all day long that you don't like, and you're trying to fight with the boomerangs, getting other people to change, or I don't the way that they talk to me, or I know like the way it went. When all you have to do is if you learn these trigger boomeranging patterns, you put the trigger that gets the boomerang you want into the loop. You can pre-select the reaction people are having to you all day long and then you're really empowered to relate in a way that doesn't.

Joe:   How do you determine somebody's processing speed on the phone or in person?

Stacey:   Yeah, you can observe them. You can see how they're speaking. So much comes through in voice and movement. Those are the two primary ways, the way someone talks and the way that they move. The four processing speeds, the first is what I call quick like bunnies. It's very quick, light, and bouncy. That is my processing speed in case you couldn't tell. In fact, people who laugh in the middle of talking are usually that type 1 processing speed, quick, bouncy, light. Now, the type two is the cozy, the slow pace, but also that cozy, very approachable, right? It's your kid who every single time they sit down has five blankets around them and a pillow, like it's that zen, slower pace, very, very comfortable, cozy processing speed. The third is the bulldozer, very fast processing speed, but always pushing, pushing things forward, getting things done. It's not light and bouncy, it's still fast like I am, but it's forward driven. Really, it's that powerful boom. People that we know, if you think of like a James P. Frill and the way that he talks, or he laughs in a room like very funny, and he has that fast talking, but it is very heavy, not like my fast talking. That's a Type 3 processor. Then the fourth type is the slow and methodical. You'll know them because they are silent most of unless they must speak. So like my husband Paul is that person. He can disappear in a room like you don't even know that he's there because unless there's a very clear reason to speak he won't and when he speaks it is a slower pace but there's nothing cozy about it. It's very methodical. They speak accurately. They measure 72 times and cut once and just from those descriptions you probably already are picking up the people that you work with, your kids, your spouse and what they probably are, and just using something like being able to create a wrapper that matches their processing speed creates tremendous rapport, but more importantly doesn't break rapport in a way that they have to like really work hard to connect with you because of how jarring or abrasive or annoying the differences might be.

Joe:   When you find somebody, depending on one of those four things or whatever, does that change how you communicate with them? Are you kind of like mirroring? Is that the goal of this?

Stacey:   The thing about mirroring is that, unfortunately, sometimes people lose themselves and they don't really think of it the way that it could be a bridge. I like to think of the tools and skills that we teach very much are about creating a wrapper for that person to hear. And not you, like I don't have to start being silent like Paul, just to build rapport with Paul. But what I can do is wrap what I say when I'm talking to him in a way that it's easier for him, or even just pre-frame for him. Like, I have a whole bunch of things to cover with you, and I'm going to probably default into talking a mile a minute about it because that's my way. So like brace yourself or tell me like, slow down, right? So even just that pre-framed acknowledges the difference. I'm not trying to be more like them. Nobody's wrong for how they are. But if I was in a deal, like for instance with someone that was in protection and I wanted to build rapport with them, the whole goal is I'm not manipulating. I truly want them to feel more comfortable with me. I tell a story in the book about when our son was really young and I was totally stressing him out because he's a type two chill, slow, and I'm like all bouncing all over the place, so I would just take a deep breath. Before I approach him, I would center myself, which is good for me, to be honest. I could use a little balance. And I would approach him a little bit more calmly and a little bit more easily so that I'm kind of like chocolate syrup for him like I'm just like it just feels great for him he doesn't have to like brace himself for me and now I'm wrapping my energy for him so that i'm not inadvertently breaking rapport and honestly sometimes especially in real estate sometimes people are in a really tough spot and the best thing you can do enter a conversation, find some ways to make them feel more comfortable really fast.

Joe:   I've had two acquisition managers, I maybe have hired a total of three or four different acquisition managers but my two best ones were pastors for either current or former part-time pastors. I just liked them because they were nice guys and I hired them because I knew they were good listeners and they had a way doing exactly what you're talking about here to really listen and be, have genuine empathy. And concern for the person they were talking to and they were very successful in business because they were just such good listeners and they weren't hardcore negotiating type of guys like you know trying to close every deal. We're running out of time. I want to ask you some a few more questions. Two more questions specifically. Number one, how do you recommend dealing with an angry seller or an angry buyer or somebody that is angry that you're interrupting their day, or is angry that your offer is so low and you weren't a jerk, you weren't coming at them, but you just caught him at a bad time, maybe, you know, something's going on that you just don't know about. What are some ways to that you recommend when you're dealing with somebody who's upset?

Stacey:   It's so funny that most people without skillset training, most people's natural reaction, the natural boomerang in that pattern is to get defensive, because you're literally not doing anything. You're just trying to help out in your perspective and you're doing what you do for work, for your living, right? But the key is the skillset to use is to figure out how to align, figure out, how can you validate what is triggering them? They're not wrong, right. Think if you stepped into their shoes, like the reason why your former pastors, right, were so good at this, my executive assistant is a pastor as well. So I'm really familiar with that, like is because there's compassion and empathy. And if you lead with understanding, and I will just use myself in the 2008-2009 financial crisis, I was selling properties that I had to unload. I was underwater. And I will never forget… A person who sat down at the table with his checkbook, and I remember saying to Paul as we walked in, I'm like, you know, if this was a year ago, I would just pay cash for what this guy is giving us, but like I would be so thrilled to write a check and I hope I can do this for someone else. I hope I can this for 10 more people next year. And I was so grateful, but I remember that feeling of being underwater and I just remember that people can only show up with the skills that they have in that moment. Number one. Number two, it's never about you. In fact, that is across the board. I study human dynamic for my livelihood. 99 whatever percent of humans cannot actually process things about other people. They process for themselves. So just keep in mind that it's not about you, it's what's going on for them. And find a way to align with them and validate how they're feeling. Not that you're wrong, but validate how their feeling about their situation. That is always the first step.

Joe:   Okay. I like that. And we only got a few more minutes here and this is a big topic, but working with your spouse, let's talk about that. Man, there's a hundred different directions this could go because it depends on her personality, your personality, but like, what are some tips, cause you worked with Paul for a long time, what were some tips you'd give to people in addition to reading your book, the missing piece, missing piece book.com. What are some recommendations you make to somebody who is working with their spouse and their business or wants to maybe.

Stacey:   Yeah, working with your spouse is a magnifier for your relationship. So whatever skill set you have or don't have in your marriage will be magnified a hundred fold when you decide to work together. So the number one thing I would say is, do not work with your spouse. If you don't, have the skill set. You have to have a relationship skill set because the worst thing you could do is sacrifice bricks in the wall in your married going up because you're spending more minutes in a day together in a work environment. When is that ever going to be worth a negative hit to your marriage just to work together? Never going to worth it. Get the skill set, and if you are working together, get the skill-set fast. You need to get those bricks out of the wall. Because I would say the most common dynamic I see and the worst shame that I see, the biggest cost in your entire business, if you work with your spouse, are the bricks that are going into your wall during the day in your job that are impacting your marriage. And I cannot tell you how many people have come to us when their marriage is over because of that. And when I asked them, like, was your business worth your marriage? Not in a million years, not 40 businesses would not have been worth it, but they didn't see it coming. They did not see it come in. And I will also say the second thing I will say is it has absolutely nothing to do with personality. No relationships have anything to do personality. These are repeatable dynamics. It is a skill set that has been missing. And the third thing is, don't put your spouse in your business just because they're your spouse. If you wouldn't hire them for the role that they're in because they are the right person in the right seat in the bus, they shouldn't be in that role. So you don't have to work together if you don t have that skill set. Paul's background is in IT. My background is in tap. We both bring a skill here and we both build the content, half of the content. So, like, there was a reason for Paul to come in this business, not just so that he can retire from his corporate job. He could have been doing real estate instead of doing this business with me. There's so many things you can do, but please, gosh, prioritize your marriage. It's so much more important than any business. Businesses will always come and go, but hopefully your marriage is for life.

Joe:   You guys do these, you've been in the relationship training business for a long time, and I don't think there's anybody that has a better track record than you guys do. But talk about this, some of the stats you guys have tracked. This will blow you away.

Stacey:   Yeah, so in a six-year study of the students in our relationship program, they had a 1% divorce rate for those six years. Now, these are students that are 1%, right? The regular breathing divorce rate is like 50% right now in our country, according to some studies, higher for second and third marriages, 1%. And many of them had come to us after they were told by others, there was no other choice but divorce. Some were in the process of divorce, living separately, been to multiple counselors, and they didn't just save a crappy relationship, they transformed it. But also, our students, as you know, like 90% or more of our students do multiple years of our training. So they, like we have multiple years, or it's not the same training every year, but they come back again and again to get more skills. Because actually, just like what we're talking about, sometimes they come in because they're like, I have to strengthen my marriage, and they focus on that for the first year. Then they might be like, hey, my kids are going through something, or I really want to bring this to my work and what I'm doing. Next year, they'll use skills to focus on that and then we have students that have been with us for many years, and then of course get trained as practitioners for our organization and start doing this. But yeah, more than 90 percent of our students do our events or our programs again, and people do not, A, with their time and their energy and their effort, Unless it's proven and our stuff is proven to be very, very effective In fact at our event Relationship Breakthrough Retreat almost half of our audience are repeat attendees every single time We've been doing that event for over 10 years

Joe:   Wow. And you guys have helped thousands of people. We're not talking about just a little tiny organization that just got started.

Stacey:   No, we've helped hundreds of thousands of people, yeah.

Joe:   Oh, hundreds of thousands. Oh, this is cool. Stacey, we can talk for hours about this. We got to go here. But thank you so much for being on the podcast. Again, missingpiecebook.com, M-I-S-S I-N-G P-I E-C-E, book.com. And any other ways that people can get a hold of you or learn more about your retreats and their confidence?

Stacey:   Yeah. Come check us out at relationshipdevelopment.org. We have lots of resources there. If you have questions that we can answer, we're always happy to do that. Yeah, you can check out our events and our programs and stuff there too. Thanks for having me, Joe. It's always fun to hang out and talk with you.

Joe:   My pleasure. Say hi to Paul for me and thank you so much, Stacey, for being on the show. Hey guys, appreciate you. If you've liked this podcast or this video on YouTube, depending on where you're watching it, give me a thumbs up, like it, subscribe to the show, leave a review. I appreciate it. And thank you again, Stacey. We'll see you sometime soon, probably.